Design, Medicine

How to Use Toilet Paper

As coronavirus (COVID-19) and its hysteria is sweeping through New York City and the US at large, people are panicking and hoarding supplies like pantry food, disinfecting wipes, face masks, and – for some reason – a whole buttload of toilet paper. I know discussing toilet paper is socially unsavory, but if you want to preserve your stash while maintaining anal hygiene, you should ensure that use your toilet paper effectively and efficiently.

How long will your stash of toilet paper last? Each American, on average, wipes out two rolls of toilet paper per month. The range of rates is broad, however. My roommate and I once hosted a male subletter from Florida who consumed a roll every two days. Don’t know how, don’t know why, but it pissed us off. Meanwhile, I bought six rolls in Greenwich, and those lasted 18 months (though I do spend two thirds of my time in the hospital).

Reducing your rate of toilet paper consumption amounts to reducing the number of squares used per wipe. Consider what toilet paper is and what it should accomplish. Toilet paper is a long rolled perforated sheet of dissolvable paper product used to clean the anus after defecating or to dry the external urethral orifice after urination. Its key role is to shield your hand from direct manual contact with fecal matter (urine is typically sterile). Though this form factor is not universal (e.g. in Taiwan, most are square folded packages like our facial tissue; in Japan they also use bidets), we Americans must learn to utilize a toilet paper roll effectively.

Fold and Hold

Efficient use of toilet paper means to have as much as the paper product between your hand and anus per application. People typically find that three or four plies of separation is a comfortable thickness. Try deliberately folding three sequential squares (or two squares if the toilet paper is two-ply) into a single square. This increases the thickness of your application area while still maintaining a sufficient barrier surface area to protect your hand. For reference, a single square is around 4.1”x3.7”. 

Meanwhile, some surface irregularity is beneficial for catching and carrying fecal material away from the anus. Try crumpling a small area of toilet paper between three fingers to create some creases, which will then be directly applied when wiping. While randomly crumpling a length of toilet paper will create plenty of surface irregularity, this disorganized crumpling might result in applying flyaway corners or edges to your anus, and residual fecal matter may come in contact with adjacent skin when removing the toilet paper.

Waste not. I don’t care how big of an ass you are have, a competent human anus is small. Any adjacent paper than a single square is superfluous. There are people out there who wrap an entire length of toilet paper around their fingers… it’s not like they need to protect the back of the fingers! I’ve overheard men in public restrooms yanking on the rolls and certainly unspooling 15-20 squares at once… I don’t even know what they’re doing, other than literally flushing trees down the toilet.

I also wonder if that extra-long length of toilet paper brushes against the ground before reaching their anuses, because that sounds unnecessarily unsanitary. On a related note:

Over, not Under

The “over” configuration is the correct orientation for hanging toilet paper. Not only is it the orientation provided in the original patent illustration, it is also ergonomically and hygienically superior.

In the ergonomical sense, “over” makes the leading edge of toilet paper hang on the face away from the wall. Thus, the relevant end becomes visually easier to locate, grab, and tear. It also is physically closer by the width of the roll (~4”), which matters when the user is relatively immobile on the ivory throne.

For better hygiene, depending on the orientation of the roll relative to the wall, “over” provides separation of the leading edge from the mounting back wall. “Under” will drape the toilet paper in direct contact with the wall. While fresh toilet paper is pretty clean, defecators’ hands are not, and a single irresponsible user can contaminate the back wall with a finger tainted with fecal matter for all future toilet paper to brush over while being unspooled.

Sit or Stand

Finally, consider the posture in which you wipe your anus. Some may find that wiping while sitting provides better access to the anal region. This may because the circular toilet seat applies traction to the thighs, therefore spreading the gluteal soft tissue and widening the intergluteal cleft. Some may find that wiping while standing is more comfortable because it allows better maneuverability of the hand without risking contact with the toilet seat rim with the wrist or forearm. So long as your habit is hygenic, it is sufficient.

I know this last factor has little bearing on the quantity of toilet paper you consume, but you should still mindfully consider each aspect of this daily routine, taking care to evaluate its cleanliness and material efficiency.

Coronavirus PSA

Oh, you thought you weren’t going to hear about coronavirus here?

If your two-person household hoarded 24 rolls of toilet paper, congratulations, and shame on you. You now have enough toilet paper for approximately six months. Unless you also have six months of nonperishable food canned and 180+ gallons of potable water bottled, you either hoarded unconscientiously or have little faith in the toilet paper supply chain.

Please be conscientious before you hoard supplies such as gloves, disinfecting wipes, surgical masks, and respirator masks like N-95s, lest you deplete the supply and deprive us healthcare workers who need them most.

  • Think of gloves as a method for segregating manual contact between “dirty” surfaces like door handles, pin pads, and cash; and “clean” surfaces like your face, your phone, and anything else in your bag. Proper usage demands disciplined degloving before accessing personal items, and a more elegant solution is to just wash your hands as needed.
  • Don’t go nuts constantly disinfecting all surfaces Adrian Monk-style. Nonetheless, it seems prudent to occasionally clean “high-touch” surfaces like handles, knobs, your phone, and your reusable water bottle.
  • Surgical masks should be worn in public spaces by people who are sick with a respiratory illness, as it prevents coughs and sneezes from suspending infectious droplets in the air. Meanwhile, they are a relatively inefficient protective measure in open spaces, where the large volume of atmospheric air dilutes infectious droplets. Please conserve them for healthcare workers who wear them in high-risk spaces such as closed rooms where the density of infectious particles can be high. (Edit May 20, 2020: my stance changed when the disease spread became totally out of control, like about a week after I wrote this. Widespread use of cloth masks in public are really effective in slowing a rampant respiratory illness with an asymptomatic contagious phase.)
  • Respirator masks such as N-95s are difficult and irritating to wear correctly. If it’s not rather laborious to breathe, you’re wearing it wrong. We undergo annual fit testing to prevent leakage and ensure all air passes through the filter. So please, unless the air is dense with forest fire smoke, leave the N-95s to those of us who need them.

In conclusion, don’t panic, be mindful, stay healthy, and use your toilet paper well. 

Footnote: Watch this 4-minute TEDx talk about a “Shake, Fold” mnemonic for proper paper towel hand-drying usage. This guy probably wants to make a second TEDx talk about toilet paper usage. I’d back that.